Not for the faint of heart...

...because this infomercial is absolutely horrific.



AIEEEEEEEEEE!
Rats, and roaches, and mice, oh my!

When I watched this infomercial on TV a few moments ago, I was bringing food to my lips. Literally. And I had to stop because this commercial came on.

Did they REALLY find it necessary to show us hoardes of pests and RATS? A HUGE SWARM OF RATS? Followed by the words "...around your kids, pets, and FOOD?"

Thank you, makers of Riddex plus, for killing my appetite. (While you're at it, why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?)

I think this infomercial is a little too effective. Instead of wanting to buy their product, I want to run shrieking from my dorm room and keep going until I can't run any more.

Did anyone notice how this whole infomercial keeps talking about exterminating bugs and getting rid of the bugs and not having to use the bug men?

Now, did anyone notice how they never specifically say that the Riddex Plus will get rid of rats and mice?

Yeah, me too.

Dirt and Disorder: SVU

"Detective Clean, it seems our precinct has overlooked a very serious problem."
"That's not possible, Captain Detergent. What could we have missed? We have the best cleaning products in the country."
"Apparently not. Watch this video." (don't bother watching all of it. I would recommend you only watch up to 1:45, skip the testimonials up to 2:20 then end at 3:30, for the most economical viewing.)



"That guy? Geez, is he still around?"
"Shut up and pay attention. This is important."
.....
"I can think of a lot dirtier words than 'bagless.'"
"That's beside the point, detective. The point is that we swore a long time ago to clean up these streets, and what have we done? We've just been picking up the scum and tossing it back out."
"Is it really as bad as all that?"
"You bet it is! Will you listen for once in your life? Take a look at all that dirt in that canister, just wafting into the air. With the Oreck, you can vacuum with a baby in your hands and not risk it getting diseases. That's real power, Detective. Don't you wish you could take the next step to keep this place germ-free?"
"You've got a point, Captain. I guess I never thought of it that way."
"So do we have an agreement?"
"Yeah. Yeah, we do."
"That's what I like to hear."
"I wonder what the surprise gift is?"
"Eh, I didn't bother watching that far."

I have found perfection.

Or if not perfection, pretty darn close. This infomercial parody is so brilliant, I actually thought it was real at first. And I was enjoying that Colgate Wisp was so clearly poking fun at Vince. Disappointment at the fact that this is fake aside, this is really well done. Usually infomercial parodies are overdone, stupid, or just plain not funny.

This, however, is nuanced. (I feel like a film critic.) It stays within the bounds of plausible while still treading that fine line of the absurd. It's beautiful.

Behold! Maker of the Infomercial for Colgate Wisp video, I salute you.

Psh. Forget Chuck Norris.

You know, something has been bothering me lately. Don't get me wrong--I love/fear Chuck Norris as much as the next person, but I think we've all lost sight of our former heroes. Are we really going to let them go by the wayside? Are we forgetting who's REALLY the boss of this universe?

The advertisers responsible for this infomercial have reclaimed that clarity, that focus, and have chosen the man we all used to look up to.

Clubber Lang...fierce boxer.
Bruise Brubaker...the toughest man in the world.
Mr. T...sales pitchman extraordinaire!





"These are frozen solid! Even my fierce boxer-like pounding on the table doesn't do anything to it! I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T is gonna stand for eating frozen meat."

I swear, though, I could just listen to Mr. T say "Tha's coool..." over and over and over again. Don't you wish you sounded like Mr. T? You KNOW you wish you sounded like Mr. T. Don't lie to yourself. Lying is for advertisers, not for blog readers. Er...I mean...back to the infomercial!

"You want me to cook? Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want me just to tenderize the frozen meat with my bare fists? Mash some potatoes by hand? Scare the corn off the cob with my fierce Clubber Lang face?"

But wait a minute...not that I would suggest that Mr. T would ever get himself involved with weasely advertisers who say things that are very vague and elusive, but....well, this whole time elapsed camera thing seems a little odd to me. I mean, they show you the time elapsing...but how much time has elapsed? "It takes just minutes!" Well, that's nice, but...uh, how many minutes are we talking about? 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 180 minutes? 525, 600 minutes?

Oh, theeeere we go. Ribeye steak cooked in 16 minutes. Phew. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to re-analyze my trust in Mr. T.

But hey, who hasn't always wanted to cook their food in a tornado?

Heh. Mr. T is getting all soft and cuddly these days, don't you think? He's like a big teddy bear. A fierce teddy bear. I pity the fool who tries to knock the stuffing out of this big teddy bear, though.

Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

Before we begin, in case you are tantalized by how I'm going to twist the title of this post into something relating to today's infomercial, I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting some sort of transgendered phenomena in an infomercial. (Although if you see any, send it my way!)

No, today is a simple ode to the joys of womanhood. Hourglass figures, sparkling eyes, winning smiles, facial hair...




Watch as a blonde Geena Davis look-alike confronts a woman who used Nads to get rid of her beard.

I love the photo reveal (that they never actually show us; thankfully we can all trust the blonde Geena Davis look-alike).

I mean, seriously. Did you SEE the expression on her face? *shaking head* Absolutely priceless. Let's look at the instant replay, shall we?

*GASP!*
I can just see the wheels turning in her head. "Oh, sweet mother of pearl, she was hideous! I can't stop staring at it! What do I do? What do I do? What do I say?"
"Uh, wow! Wow! How wonderful that this product was able to...help you in such a way! Woooooww." *sigh of relief*

So we're past the confrontation scene, but something else still seems amiss in this infomercial. Fast forward the tape a little bit. I'll see if I can put my finger on it...THERE! See that? What is WITH that random shot of the office and the fax machine? Are we supposed to infer from the unattended fax falling off the printer that nobody actually cared about this woman's problem? Did the advertisement's director have a little bit of fun, or was he trying to secretly insert a subliminal message?
"DON'T BUY THIS PRODUCT. THE MAKERS ACTUALLY HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID UNWANTED HAIR. LOOK AT THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

Hard to say. Maybe he/she was getting underpaid. (Haha! He/she! If you say it without the slash in between, it totally makes the title of the post even better.) ;)


*By the way, I have to tell you how much I have become endeared to Nads infomercials over the past few days. Be forewarned: Nads will be back. :)

**By the way (part 2), some of you may have noticed that several of the videos I've used have been uploaded to Youtube by InfomercialReviewer. Please follow the links to his website from his videos. I discovered this a few days after I started my blog. His infomercial reviews, from what I've read of them, are hysterical. I don't read them until after I've already posted something of my own so I don't inadvertently, subconsciously steal his material. So no worries on that account. Go check it out, though. If you like what I've got going here, you'll love it over there. :)

An Ode To Infomercials

Today's post is a loving tribute to infomercials. I have absolutely nothing to do with this post, except for providing the video that I think you'll all enjoy as much as I do. Because I've obviously got a thing for infomercials. You may NOT know, however, that Whose Line Is It Anyway? is one of my all-time favorite shows.

Take it away, Ryan and Colin.




This post is dedicated to my friend Nathan, who was and will always be my Whose Line buddy. Mrs. Schober's house, anyone?

Let's not forget about the children.

Children's products, that is.

But before we begin, I'd like to give a shout out to Anonymous Reader. High five! for taking some time to tell me that you read my blog. I don't know who you are. You are probably one of my close friends posting anonymously to make me feel good about myself.

But it's working, so thanks. ;)

On to today's infomercial: The "Big Squirt! Water Toy"





Where to begin, where to begin....hmmm.....ah! Here we go.

I would first and foremost like to point out that the exclamation points! in the middle of phrases are so last year. You know that if Panic at the Disco is over exclamation points, the rest of the world should be too. So perhaps the makers of Big Squirt! Water Toy should take the hint and jump on the bandwagon of proper! English grammar.

Secondly, I think I might have seized a little bit during this infomercial, with all those BRIGHT, TOTALLY AWESOME! COLORS! flashing at me.

Now because this is a commercial intended for children, I will not in any way shape or form allude to any innuendo! that may or may not come to mind when watching this. (Except for right now. Right now I'm telling you to go back and watch it again. Seriously. Just pay attention to all the little details and soak it in. To the absolutely filthy-minded, this is just dripping with awkward! wordage. Or so I've been told. I wouldn't know about such things, being as wet behind the ears as I am.)

I would say, though, that directors of this commercial should have paid a bit more attention to the way they had some of these children hold their big squirts.
"Uh, Jake, can you hold that just a little higher? A little farther away from your body?"
"Why?"
"Because--You know what? No. Just nevermind. You just hold that however you want to."
"You think anyone will notice?"
"Nahh. They're just kids. They couldn't possibly."

Famous last words. (Or should I say Famous! last words?)

Advertising from the Loony Bin.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm keeping this up. I seem to have no readership right now. But that's okay, because I don't write this for anyone else. I write this as a means of therapeutically releasing my sarcasm. It also helps me to learn to dedicate myself to things and finish what I start. I have a nasty habit of picking things up and leaving them a few weeks later to wither away into oblivion until I find them a year later and think, "Huh. I forgot all about that..."

Like I said. It's a very nasty habit. But thanks to those of you who are reading this, if you exist. You give me some small, strange sense of purpose. Along with everything else that I do...which is quite a bit, actually....

Sorry. Off the soapbox and onto the commercials. :)

There's a series of infomercials I'd like to share with you all. You know, in this tough economic climate (was that a groan I heard? Bear with me, I promise I'm not about to go on a rant about the recession) we all need to find something we can really invest ourselves in. Or something in which to invest what money we have left. Why not gold? I seem to be seeing more and more commercials about buying and selling gold, but there's only one company that sticks out in my mind. Rosland Capital. Why, you ask?

Just take a look for yourself.




I'm gonna skip over the obvious corniness of this little gem. (Or nugget? Heh heh.) No, I'm not going to pick on the advertisers for the old "two girls fighting over G. Gordon Liddy's insider tips" ploy. Instead, I'm going right for the wide open jugular: The fact that they're using G. GORDON LIDDY TO ADVERTISE THEIR PRODUCT.

You know, because he's such a trustworthy guy. *wink* "It'll be our little secret."

You'd know ALL about secrets, now, wouldn't you, Mr. G. Gordon Liddy?

Lost? Let me fill you in. G. Gordon Liddy is one of the most suspicious culprits involved with the Watergate Scandal. If you don't feel like looking him up, let me give you a few highlights:
1. He joined CREEP (Committee to Re-Elect the President) and came up with a $1 million operation to discredit opponents called Operation Gemstone, which involved such schemes as blackmailing delegates with prostitutes. It also involved kidnapping antiwar and civil rights leaders and carrying them across the border. The plan was later cut back to a mere $250, 000.
2. This plan also involved placing bugs in two of the phones at the DNC so they could eavesdrop on conversations. When it became clear one of the bugs was defective, Liddy's group broke into Watergate again to see what was wrong.
3. Those five men got caught.
4. Liddy got sentenced to 20 years in prison for conspiracy, wiretapping, and burglary. Nothing major, or anything. Y'know. Typical offenses. Tsk tsk.
5. Liddy claims that Watergate was actually John Dean's big idea to cover up evidence implicating his fiancee in a *ahem* call-girl ring. The pictures were supposedly hidden in Ida "Maxie" Wells' desk. This allegation led to numerous legal battles. Way to go, Gordy. Skip over the fact that the break-in was still illegal, and you were still most definitely involved in it. And they have lots and lots of evidence that points directly at you, Mr. Liddy.
6. He used to do things like burning his hand over candles and eating rats in an effort to become a "strong man".

I could keep going, but I'll let you explore Mr. Liddy's background further on your own time. On one positive note, Mr. Liddy DOES know a lot about finances and investments. And money laundering.

I can just imagine the conversation the advertisers had when they thought about who to hire to represent the company.
"Well, we need a pretty familiar name. Someone with influence. Someone who makes people want to give him their money for gold. Someone who's really obnoxious to boot. Someone who just screams scruples, honesty, trust, loyalty."
"What about that Liddy guy? You know, the one with the talk show? People seem to like him."
"His book was a best-seller."
"Best-seller, huh? Well, you know how much I love anything with the words "best" and "sell" in them. Give him a call. Make sure you do a thorough background check, though. This advertisement is very important. We've got to make sure he's got a clean record."
"Well, he was sentenced to twenty years in prison, but he only served five because he got pardoned by Jimmy Carter."
"Pardoned...that means he's clean, right? Like, the American people can go back to trusting him fully and completely, no questions asked?"
"Definitely."
"Well, what are you waiting for! He sounds like JUST the man for the job."

Please excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall for a few moments. And then, I'm going to go find myself a copy of All the President's Men.
Stay tuned, though, because there are more Liddy-mercials to come.