Psh. Forget Chuck Norris.

You know, something has been bothering me lately. Don't get me wrong--I love/fear Chuck Norris as much as the next person, but I think we've all lost sight of our former heroes. Are we really going to let them go by the wayside? Are we forgetting who's REALLY the boss of this universe?

The advertisers responsible for this infomercial have reclaimed that clarity, that focus, and have chosen the man we all used to look up to.

Clubber Lang...fierce boxer.
Bruise Brubaker...the toughest man in the world.
Mr. T...sales pitchman extraordinaire!





"These are frozen solid! Even my fierce boxer-like pounding on the table doesn't do anything to it! I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T is gonna stand for eating frozen meat."

I swear, though, I could just listen to Mr. T say "Tha's coool..." over and over and over again. Don't you wish you sounded like Mr. T? You KNOW you wish you sounded like Mr. T. Don't lie to yourself. Lying is for advertisers, not for blog readers. Er...I mean...back to the infomercial!

"You want me to cook? Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want me just to tenderize the frozen meat with my bare fists? Mash some potatoes by hand? Scare the corn off the cob with my fierce Clubber Lang face?"

But wait a minute...not that I would suggest that Mr. T would ever get himself involved with weasely advertisers who say things that are very vague and elusive, but....well, this whole time elapsed camera thing seems a little odd to me. I mean, they show you the time elapsing...but how much time has elapsed? "It takes just minutes!" Well, that's nice, but...uh, how many minutes are we talking about? 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 180 minutes? 525, 600 minutes?

Oh, theeeere we go. Ribeye steak cooked in 16 minutes. Phew. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to re-analyze my trust in Mr. T.

But hey, who hasn't always wanted to cook their food in a tornado?

Heh. Mr. T is getting all soft and cuddly these days, don't you think? He's like a big teddy bear. A fierce teddy bear. I pity the fool who tries to knock the stuffing out of this big teddy bear, though.