Holiday Cheer!

Alright, I know how badly I've been failing this blog over the past few months. It's completely my fault. College is teaching me how to time-manage, but I'm still working out a few kinks.

So, without further ado, I present you with your first gift of the holiday season.

PAJAMAGRAMS! I should warn you that this infomercial is kind of raunchy. I should also warn you that this commercial would be much more raunchy if it wasn't so idiotic.



First off, HOW CREEPY ARE THESE GUYS? Just look at their expressions while they're staring down those pajama models. "Aw yeah...yeah, that's right...you wear those pajamas." You'd think they were lonely ax murderers at a strip club. (By the way, pajamagrams also sells strip kits on their website! So you can bring the strip club right into the comfort of your own home. Oh yes.)

And then there's that opening line. Does it get any better than "sexy" jazz music and "there's only one gift that's guaranteed to get women to take their clothes off?"

Guess what it is.

No, seriously. Guess.

Nope, that's not it, although points for creativity! Lighting her clothes on fire with your new flamethrower would definitely get the clothes off one way or another, but that's too much of a liability for our company. Try again.

Still can't guess it? I'll give you a hint. A pair of banana brothers on a children's television show wore these.

You know what? Forget it. I'll just tell you. It's PAJAMAS!!!!

Er...yeah....Receiving a pair of pajamas surely causes women to walk through the house while doing a striptease. Right?

Seriously, though, I'm going to stop here with the comments. Why, you ask? Go back and look at that commercial. Do I NEED to say anything more about it? Other than it wins the seal of approval for creepiest commercials ever aired?

Well?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

What a lovely horse!

Kodak really got their money's worth on this advertisement.




Note to Shop Home TV: Perhaps you should screen your salesmen for blindness BEFORE you put them on TV.

Sci-Fi and infomercials? HECK YES!

I'm sure none of you know anything about my incredibly nerdy disposition (*cough* don't look here *cough*).

However, as much as I love science fiction and all things related to the world of geekdom, I have to say that this commercial threw me for a loop.

Please enjoy this old school commercial introducing the Apple Macintosh computer.



My first though upon seeing this was, "Uh...Apple? I'll give you points for imagination, but I'm not sure mindless drones walking to the tune of a creepy man on a television screen is the best way to sell a computer."

Then, upon catching that first glimpse of the runner, I wondered when this commercial turned into a track and field competition. And what's that in her hand? Is she a pole vaulter? Is that a javelin? Wait...no, it's a...hammer? Wait, she's running with a hammer? And the mindless drones don't notice her? What are those creepy exterminators doing here?

Rapidly, my mind began to spin, confusion swooping in and taking hold of my thoughts.

And then I was struck by a sudden clarity. Almost as if this commercial was a metaphor. Maybe the woman running with the hammer represents the strength and speed of Apple computers! Yes! That must be it!

And then they had to go and spoil my revelation with some lame literary reference. I mean, really? Talking about George Orwell's classic novel in the year 1984? Yeah, like THAT's creative. "This is why 1984 won't be like 1984."

Apple, I am deeply disappointed in your deep symbolism about the future of humanity and the effects of technology on the world.

(....but really I love your commercial and I wish I had been alive to have thought of it so I could claim the glory. Because this commercial is AWESOME and very geek-tastic.)

Return from Hiatus!

I'm excessively sorry to anyone who has been glued to their computer for the past few weeks just waiting for me to update (I can dream, can't I?). I've been ridiculously busy lately and haven't had the proper inspiration for a new post--until today.

Today I'm kicking it back to the old school days of VHS tapes, where you had to manually fast forward through those pesky commercials at the the beginning just to get to your feature presentation. Don't we all miss those days? Of course we do!

So go grab yourself a diet coke and remember just why you chose it:



I feel so nostalgic right now. I feel like a little kid again, watching Indiana Jones on road trips with my family on the little portable TV in the back. I miss the days when I knew that Indiana Jones was the coolest archaeology professor around, and that he would always make the right choice...like Diet Coke over the P-word.

But I'm a little confused. Is this supposed to be the woman's fantasy? Because if so, there would have been a close up on Harrison Ford's rugged features and not some shadowed imposter leaping around with a whip pretending to be something that he isn't. Not to mention no woman in her right mind would have left without a little lip action. I mean, come on. We're talking 1980's Harrison Ford. Is there anything better?

*Ahem* Well, anyway...I hope you all enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. I know I sure did. I think I should look for more of these old coke commercials. They're pretty epic.

Not for the faint of heart...

...because this infomercial is absolutely horrific.



AIEEEEEEEEEE!
Rats, and roaches, and mice, oh my!

When I watched this infomercial on TV a few moments ago, I was bringing food to my lips. Literally. And I had to stop because this commercial came on.

Did they REALLY find it necessary to show us hoardes of pests and RATS? A HUGE SWARM OF RATS? Followed by the words "...around your kids, pets, and FOOD?"

Thank you, makers of Riddex plus, for killing my appetite. (While you're at it, why don't you give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?)

I think this infomercial is a little too effective. Instead of wanting to buy their product, I want to run shrieking from my dorm room and keep going until I can't run any more.

Did anyone notice how this whole infomercial keeps talking about exterminating bugs and getting rid of the bugs and not having to use the bug men?

Now, did anyone notice how they never specifically say that the Riddex Plus will get rid of rats and mice?

Yeah, me too.

Dirt and Disorder: SVU

"Detective Clean, it seems our precinct has overlooked a very serious problem."
"That's not possible, Captain Detergent. What could we have missed? We have the best cleaning products in the country."
"Apparently not. Watch this video." (don't bother watching all of it. I would recommend you only watch up to 1:45, skip the testimonials up to 2:20 then end at 3:30, for the most economical viewing.)



"That guy? Geez, is he still around?"
"Shut up and pay attention. This is important."
.....
"I can think of a lot dirtier words than 'bagless.'"
"That's beside the point, detective. The point is that we swore a long time ago to clean up these streets, and what have we done? We've just been picking up the scum and tossing it back out."
"Is it really as bad as all that?"
"You bet it is! Will you listen for once in your life? Take a look at all that dirt in that canister, just wafting into the air. With the Oreck, you can vacuum with a baby in your hands and not risk it getting diseases. That's real power, Detective. Don't you wish you could take the next step to keep this place germ-free?"
"You've got a point, Captain. I guess I never thought of it that way."
"So do we have an agreement?"
"Yeah. Yeah, we do."
"That's what I like to hear."
"I wonder what the surprise gift is?"
"Eh, I didn't bother watching that far."

I have found perfection.

Or if not perfection, pretty darn close. This infomercial parody is so brilliant, I actually thought it was real at first. And I was enjoying that Colgate Wisp was so clearly poking fun at Vince. Disappointment at the fact that this is fake aside, this is really well done. Usually infomercial parodies are overdone, stupid, or just plain not funny.

This, however, is nuanced. (I feel like a film critic.) It stays within the bounds of plausible while still treading that fine line of the absurd. It's beautiful.

Behold! Maker of the Infomercial for Colgate Wisp video, I salute you.

Psh. Forget Chuck Norris.

You know, something has been bothering me lately. Don't get me wrong--I love/fear Chuck Norris as much as the next person, but I think we've all lost sight of our former heroes. Are we really going to let them go by the wayside? Are we forgetting who's REALLY the boss of this universe?

The advertisers responsible for this infomercial have reclaimed that clarity, that focus, and have chosen the man we all used to look up to.

Clubber Lang...fierce boxer.
Bruise Brubaker...the toughest man in the world.
Mr. T...sales pitchman extraordinaire!





"These are frozen solid! Even my fierce boxer-like pounding on the table doesn't do anything to it! I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T is gonna stand for eating frozen meat."

I swear, though, I could just listen to Mr. T say "Tha's coool..." over and over and over again. Don't you wish you sounded like Mr. T? You KNOW you wish you sounded like Mr. T. Don't lie to yourself. Lying is for advertisers, not for blog readers. Er...I mean...back to the infomercial!

"You want me to cook? Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want me just to tenderize the frozen meat with my bare fists? Mash some potatoes by hand? Scare the corn off the cob with my fierce Clubber Lang face?"

But wait a minute...not that I would suggest that Mr. T would ever get himself involved with weasely advertisers who say things that are very vague and elusive, but....well, this whole time elapsed camera thing seems a little odd to me. I mean, they show you the time elapsing...but how much time has elapsed? "It takes just minutes!" Well, that's nice, but...uh, how many minutes are we talking about? 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 180 minutes? 525, 600 minutes?

Oh, theeeere we go. Ribeye steak cooked in 16 minutes. Phew. For a minute there I thought I was going to have to re-analyze my trust in Mr. T.

But hey, who hasn't always wanted to cook their food in a tornado?

Heh. Mr. T is getting all soft and cuddly these days, don't you think? He's like a big teddy bear. A fierce teddy bear. I pity the fool who tries to knock the stuffing out of this big teddy bear, though.

Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

Before we begin, in case you are tantalized by how I'm going to twist the title of this post into something relating to today's infomercial, I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting some sort of transgendered phenomena in an infomercial. (Although if you see any, send it my way!)

No, today is a simple ode to the joys of womanhood. Hourglass figures, sparkling eyes, winning smiles, facial hair...




Watch as a blonde Geena Davis look-alike confronts a woman who used Nads to get rid of her beard.

I love the photo reveal (that they never actually show us; thankfully we can all trust the blonde Geena Davis look-alike).

I mean, seriously. Did you SEE the expression on her face? *shaking head* Absolutely priceless. Let's look at the instant replay, shall we?

*GASP!*
I can just see the wheels turning in her head. "Oh, sweet mother of pearl, she was hideous! I can't stop staring at it! What do I do? What do I do? What do I say?"
"Uh, wow! Wow! How wonderful that this product was able to...help you in such a way! Woooooww." *sigh of relief*

So we're past the confrontation scene, but something else still seems amiss in this infomercial. Fast forward the tape a little bit. I'll see if I can put my finger on it...THERE! See that? What is WITH that random shot of the office and the fax machine? Are we supposed to infer from the unattended fax falling off the printer that nobody actually cared about this woman's problem? Did the advertisement's director have a little bit of fun, or was he trying to secretly insert a subliminal message?
"DON'T BUY THIS PRODUCT. THE MAKERS ACTUALLY HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID UNWANTED HAIR. LOOK AT THE FAX MACHINE!!!"

Hard to say. Maybe he/she was getting underpaid. (Haha! He/she! If you say it without the slash in between, it totally makes the title of the post even better.) ;)


*By the way, I have to tell you how much I have become endeared to Nads infomercials over the past few days. Be forewarned: Nads will be back. :)

**By the way (part 2), some of you may have noticed that several of the videos I've used have been uploaded to Youtube by InfomercialReviewer. Please follow the links to his website from his videos. I discovered this a few days after I started my blog. His infomercial reviews, from what I've read of them, are hysterical. I don't read them until after I've already posted something of my own so I don't inadvertently, subconsciously steal his material. So no worries on that account. Go check it out, though. If you like what I've got going here, you'll love it over there. :)

An Ode To Infomercials

Today's post is a loving tribute to infomercials. I have absolutely nothing to do with this post, except for providing the video that I think you'll all enjoy as much as I do. Because I've obviously got a thing for infomercials. You may NOT know, however, that Whose Line Is It Anyway? is one of my all-time favorite shows.

Take it away, Ryan and Colin.




This post is dedicated to my friend Nathan, who was and will always be my Whose Line buddy. Mrs. Schober's house, anyone?

Let's not forget about the children.

Children's products, that is.

But before we begin, I'd like to give a shout out to Anonymous Reader. High five! for taking some time to tell me that you read my blog. I don't know who you are. You are probably one of my close friends posting anonymously to make me feel good about myself.

But it's working, so thanks. ;)

On to today's infomercial: The "Big Squirt! Water Toy"





Where to begin, where to begin....hmmm.....ah! Here we go.

I would first and foremost like to point out that the exclamation points! in the middle of phrases are so last year. You know that if Panic at the Disco is over exclamation points, the rest of the world should be too. So perhaps the makers of Big Squirt! Water Toy should take the hint and jump on the bandwagon of proper! English grammar.

Secondly, I think I might have seized a little bit during this infomercial, with all those BRIGHT, TOTALLY AWESOME! COLORS! flashing at me.

Now because this is a commercial intended for children, I will not in any way shape or form allude to any innuendo! that may or may not come to mind when watching this. (Except for right now. Right now I'm telling you to go back and watch it again. Seriously. Just pay attention to all the little details and soak it in. To the absolutely filthy-minded, this is just dripping with awkward! wordage. Or so I've been told. I wouldn't know about such things, being as wet behind the ears as I am.)

I would say, though, that directors of this commercial should have paid a bit more attention to the way they had some of these children hold their big squirts.
"Uh, Jake, can you hold that just a little higher? A little farther away from your body?"
"Why?"
"Because--You know what? No. Just nevermind. You just hold that however you want to."
"You think anyone will notice?"
"Nahh. They're just kids. They couldn't possibly."

Famous last words. (Or should I say Famous! last words?)

Advertising from the Loony Bin.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm keeping this up. I seem to have no readership right now. But that's okay, because I don't write this for anyone else. I write this as a means of therapeutically releasing my sarcasm. It also helps me to learn to dedicate myself to things and finish what I start. I have a nasty habit of picking things up and leaving them a few weeks later to wither away into oblivion until I find them a year later and think, "Huh. I forgot all about that..."

Like I said. It's a very nasty habit. But thanks to those of you who are reading this, if you exist. You give me some small, strange sense of purpose. Along with everything else that I do...which is quite a bit, actually....

Sorry. Off the soapbox and onto the commercials. :)

There's a series of infomercials I'd like to share with you all. You know, in this tough economic climate (was that a groan I heard? Bear with me, I promise I'm not about to go on a rant about the recession) we all need to find something we can really invest ourselves in. Or something in which to invest what money we have left. Why not gold? I seem to be seeing more and more commercials about buying and selling gold, but there's only one company that sticks out in my mind. Rosland Capital. Why, you ask?

Just take a look for yourself.




I'm gonna skip over the obvious corniness of this little gem. (Or nugget? Heh heh.) No, I'm not going to pick on the advertisers for the old "two girls fighting over G. Gordon Liddy's insider tips" ploy. Instead, I'm going right for the wide open jugular: The fact that they're using G. GORDON LIDDY TO ADVERTISE THEIR PRODUCT.

You know, because he's such a trustworthy guy. *wink* "It'll be our little secret."

You'd know ALL about secrets, now, wouldn't you, Mr. G. Gordon Liddy?

Lost? Let me fill you in. G. Gordon Liddy is one of the most suspicious culprits involved with the Watergate Scandal. If you don't feel like looking him up, let me give you a few highlights:
1. He joined CREEP (Committee to Re-Elect the President) and came up with a $1 million operation to discredit opponents called Operation Gemstone, which involved such schemes as blackmailing delegates with prostitutes. It also involved kidnapping antiwar and civil rights leaders and carrying them across the border. The plan was later cut back to a mere $250, 000.
2. This plan also involved placing bugs in two of the phones at the DNC so they could eavesdrop on conversations. When it became clear one of the bugs was defective, Liddy's group broke into Watergate again to see what was wrong.
3. Those five men got caught.
4. Liddy got sentenced to 20 years in prison for conspiracy, wiretapping, and burglary. Nothing major, or anything. Y'know. Typical offenses. Tsk tsk.
5. Liddy claims that Watergate was actually John Dean's big idea to cover up evidence implicating his fiancee in a *ahem* call-girl ring. The pictures were supposedly hidden in Ida "Maxie" Wells' desk. This allegation led to numerous legal battles. Way to go, Gordy. Skip over the fact that the break-in was still illegal, and you were still most definitely involved in it. And they have lots and lots of evidence that points directly at you, Mr. Liddy.
6. He used to do things like burning his hand over candles and eating rats in an effort to become a "strong man".

I could keep going, but I'll let you explore Mr. Liddy's background further on your own time. On one positive note, Mr. Liddy DOES know a lot about finances and investments. And money laundering.

I can just imagine the conversation the advertisers had when they thought about who to hire to represent the company.
"Well, we need a pretty familiar name. Someone with influence. Someone who makes people want to give him their money for gold. Someone who's really obnoxious to boot. Someone who just screams scruples, honesty, trust, loyalty."
"What about that Liddy guy? You know, the one with the talk show? People seem to like him."
"His book was a best-seller."
"Best-seller, huh? Well, you know how much I love anything with the words "best" and "sell" in them. Give him a call. Make sure you do a thorough background check, though. This advertisement is very important. We've got to make sure he's got a clean record."
"Well, he was sentenced to twenty years in prison, but he only served five because he got pardoned by Jimmy Carter."
"Pardoned...that means he's clean, right? Like, the American people can go back to trusting him fully and completely, no questions asked?"
"Definitely."
"Well, what are you waiting for! He sounds like JUST the man for the job."

Please excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall for a few moments. And then, I'm going to go find myself a copy of All the President's Men.
Stay tuned, though, because there are more Liddy-mercials to come.

Chuck Norris Approved?

Who needs infomercials when you have Chuck Norris?
But wait...why choose when you can have BOTH?!
(I promise to refrain from any Chuck Norris jokes in this post...even if I have to physically restrain myself...)

That's right! It's the Total Gym Workout!
I don't need to say anything about this infomercial, of course, because it's Chuck Norris endorsing this product! Chuck Norris cannot be described by my meager wit and sarcasm....



.....
But...
Wait a minute, is that Chuck Norris endorsing this product? Because it seems like...well, it kind of seems like there's a new Chuck Norris in town. They say behind every great man is an even greater woman, so what happens when the woman decides to take over? (Well, my guess is it looks a lot like THAT. Right, Gena?)

I'm stricken with sudden fear. Is there a greater entity in the celebriverse? Could it be that there is a greater one than Chuck Norris?!

Poor guy, trying to get a word in edgewise. (Methinks I hear the sound of a distant crack of a whip.)

By the way, anyone reading this should go to google and type in "find chuck norris". DO NOT CLICK SEARCH. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky." It'll brighten your day. :)

Again with the apologies...

I have to apologize again for my lack of posting. I moved into college this week and haven't really had much time for anything else. Now that I've got some downtime, I'm resuming my daily (or almost daily) blog posting.

Today I'm going to cheat a little bit, however. I'm going to post one of my favorite infomercials, and then I'm going to post the remixed version. Probably not as much commentary because I'm feeling incredibly lazy. :)



I can't even describe this infomercial. I can only say that I hope you laughed as much at this as I did. ("You're gonna love my nuts..." Really, Vince? Really?)

I will say those mixtures he's chopping together look...*shiver* so disgusting. Although I do particularly like the little sparkle after he chops the "ice cream toppings" and the mango/strawberry combination. The sparkle is probably my favorite infomercial technique. So classy, so lively, so realistic...er...Well, don't your infomercial products sparkle when you use them?

However, that's all the commentary I've got for today. Instead, I'm going to share this gem with you.



This thing is seriously catchy. It cracked me up the first time I saw it, and then I couldn't get it unstuck from my head.

That's all for today. I'll try to post again soon, though I can't promise it will be tomorrow.

Products that did not save my life, nor will they ever.

Yesterday I featured products that were heaven sent during the process of moving into my collegiate box. Today, I have a feature of products that I will likely never use, if only because of their ridiculous infomercials. Case in point: The Space Bag.





Now, as I mentioned yesterday, closet organization has always been a bit of an issue for me. It took me a year after we moved into our new house to actually get all of my clothes, accessories, shoes, etc. organized in my closet/bathroom.

I would never go so far as to describe my closet as a jungle. THAT's just saaaad.

But I did seriously consider this product until I realized that this product is FANTASTIC....if you never want to actually wear your clothes. Sure, suck all the air out of the bag and stuff as much as you want in them. Put all your clothes in these bags and your space problems are solved. But don't come crying to me when you realize that you put your entire wardrobe in the attic and now you have to go back up there and search through the sheets of flattened fabric for that very specific pink shirt you want--wait, what's that? You've got thirty pink shirts? Well, start digging, because you won't be able to tell them apart once they're in the space bags.

Look on the bright side, though. You can store everything in a soapy bathtub! How cool is that?
.......
Moving on. I've always been kind of a heavy sleeper, so getting up in the morning for 8 o clock classes is a potential difficulty that I face. I had to find the perfect alarm clock. This is not it.

"QUICK! EVERYONE OUT OF BED! THE FIRE ALARM IS GOING OFF!"
*loud cursing from next door* "EVERY MORNING! EVERY FREAKING MORNING!"
*pounding on door* "SARAH, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT IF YOU DO NOT TURN OFF THAT $&%# ALARM CLOCK I WILL KILL YOU."
"I'm sorry! I can't find the helicopter thing. It flew off somewhere into my jungle of a closet."
"DID YOU CHECK BEHIND THE SHOES?!"
"Yes! It's gotta be here somewhere."
Ten minutes later, as the whole dorm floor has congregated outside my door with pitchforks and candle warmers (because no fire is allowed in dorms, of course), the flying topper of the alarm clock is located and the clock is tossed out of the sixth-story window, never to be heard from again.

I decided instead to just get an alarm clock that personally annoys me and put it on the other side of my dorm room so I have to get up to hit the snooze button.

I'll end the post with a product that is probably kind of worthwhile, but I just have a few bones to pick with the infomercial.




First things first: If your closet is really that messy, perhaps you should first consider getting rid of the mountains of clothes that you don't use and keeping the other mountains that you do use. That might solve part of your problem right there.

What bothers me more about this commercial, though, is that I can't quite figure it out. Not the flip fold itself, but this so-called "inventor". If department stores have been using the Flip Fold for years, wouldn't you think the inventor would have capitalized on it long ago? My suspicion is that she found out through some scandalous and nefarious means the big secret of department stores and their folding techniques, and she decided to steal the design and name it something catchy to turn a profit. Then again, that could just be good business on her part.

What REALLY kills me about this, though, is how many times they use the word FUN in conjuction with LAUNDRY. NO LAUNDRY IS FUN. PERIOD. Who do these people think they are? That's just an outrageous, unashamed lie, and dishonest advertisers get their names written in permanent ink on the naughty list.

Infomercials that saved my life.

This is actually a somewhat serious blog post. This week, I am moving from a rather spacious and lovely bedroom at home into a cardboard box, or "dorm room" as they like to call it. As I'm finishing the final touches on packing and moving and all that jazz, there are a few products that I never would have bought had it not been for these infomercials. And believe me, the products were much-needed. So without further ado, I shall begin my salute to these brilliant products and their advertisers.

First off, I bought bed risers to allow for more space underneath my dorm bed. No infomercial for those, but there is an infomercial for what I'm USING that space for. I salute you, makers of Shoes Under (and other off-brand under-bed shoe storage units).






They know me so well. Anyone who has seen my closet can tell you that this product is, in fact, saving my life. And if not my life, than definitely my backside. (Although I never kept shoes in their boxes. They preferred to lie in a heap underneath my dress rack.)


A product that I have not yet purchased (so I can't REALLY comment on if it has saved my life or not, but I'm pretty sure it will help out quite a bit) is the Wonder Hanger. I have lots of clothes. I like clothes more than I like shoes. Dorm closets are really not conducive to extensive wardrobes. Granted, I don't want to take my entire closet with me to school. But I have chosen a small portion of my clothes that I want to bring with me, and there's still not really enough room. I have high hopes for the wonder hanger.




Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. That's like five times the clothes. :)

I'll end the post with this infomercial, which I will have to poke some loving fun at even though I love the product. I have back problems, so I have purchased a tempurpedic (it might have been an off-brand) mattress topper for my potentially-uncomfortable dorm bed.



I can't keep back the comments though. Who honestly has a bed on their outside porch? Might put a damper on your cuddle time when it rains. (Get it? Damper?) I also particularly like the facial expression of the lady in the pink satin robe as she watches the instructional DVD with her significant other. It must be a very exciting DVD.

That blue-gray leotard must be incredibly comfortable. Otherwise, no human being would be caught dead wearing it, let alone on a commercial for everyone to see.

Still, the product is good and back-saving. :)

**UPDATE!** Yes, I'm aware that the above video is no longer available. I'm working on finding it again. In the meantime, you can watch this one or any of the related videos.

ATTENTION: MISSION...possible?

I have a new mission for anyone who might be reading this blog. I have a favorite infomercial (don't we all?) that I'm desperate to tackle sometime. It doesn't necessarily have to be soon.

Anyone ever seen the Peter Fonda Time Life Flower Power music of the 60's infomercials? I can't count the number of times I've watched this, and I never can seem to look away.

I found one 2-minute version on youtube. I'd really like the whole thing in several parts to do a series of mockeries. If anyone knows how to find this for me, I would love that person for ever. I might even wear a button with "[insert name] is my hero" for a week if someone were to find this for me.

The key word being "might."

Happy hunting!
Love, Sarah

Cinderella's Tupperware.

Originally I was going to post Debbie Meyer Green Bags today, but I stumbled upon this little fairy tale of an infomercial and thought it best to share it right away.




"Are you tired of scrubbing away at those nasty food storage containers that have been sitting in your refrigerator for months because the people you live with are too lazy to throw them out? Do you slave away over the grinding noises of the kitchen sink, desperately trying to dispose of last week's casserole before your evil stepmother finds out? ARE YOU LIVING YOUR DISMAL LITTLE LIFE IN BLACK AND WHITE?

"Never fear, Fairy Godfather is here to make all your wishes come true! POOF! Your bleak, gray life is now a vibrant, colorful world full of wonderful things! Why? Because you've got the LockFresh! It's everything you've ever dreamed of and more.

"Let me extol the numerous virtues of this wondrous product! It's really great. You just put the top on and pump the air out to seal it. It's just that easy! Which is exactly why I'm going to keep talking about how easy and great it is for another minute and a half, just to make sure you've got the idea. See, once you've removed all the air, it keeps the food fresh. Isn't that wonderful? Then, once you're tired of eating leftovers, you can just clear them out and pop the containers in the dishwasher. AND they're microwave safe! How awesome is that? I think I need to keep talking about it! No more need for flimsy bags or cling wrap that doesn't cling. Now you can have the LockFresh! It's--

"....Wait, are you asleep? You fell asleep during my spiel? Seriously? Why did I even come here? I thought you wanted help. I mean, sure, I could've just given you some shoes and a fancy dress and told you to be home by midnight, but I thought I'd give you something you could actually use. I was even going to throw in a 17-piece culinary set and some marinating recipes, but obviously you're just not interested.

"You're still not listening, are you? I could be insulting you right now, and you'd never know it. WAKE UP! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

"Seriously? Do I have the wrong house? I could have sworn the door outside said Cinderella. If this is some kind of joke, and you're really Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, I'd really appreciate it if you'd point me in the right direction. Not that you'll ever hear me talking to you over your SNORING.

"...You know what? I give up. You just go back to living in black and white. See if I care. Have fun with the rotten food in your fridge."

(Seriously, though, did any of you start to just completely zone out during this commercial? I mean, it was only two minutes long but I felt like it took FOREVER.)

Tarzan and Jane would be proud...

...to have so clearly inspired today's product.

Today, I'm getting back into the swing of things with these seemingly jungle-dweller-inspired shower wraps.




The first time I saw this, I honestly thought that I had just been flashed about four times over until they finally showed that the woman trying to wrap her towel was actually wearing undergarments. (So did she shower in her bra? I’m confused. It’s almost like those people in the Get A Grip commercial who are already wrapped in their towels when they need to get out of the shower.)

But potential wardrobe-malfunctions aside, this commercial makes me want to run up and down flights of stairs with my arms raised triumphantly over my head. Why, you ask? Did you HEAR that music? (I'm sensing a potential theme for Rocky 7: Post-Apocalypse and He's Still Going!)

Oh wait, now it's changed to some sort of tropical easy listening music. Now I just want to frolic on the beach with my significant other while wrapped in a towel. Because that's not weird or embarassing at all.

I think this infomercial is going to start a revolution -- a wearable towel revolution. Now everyone is going to wear towels everywhere! While getting the paper, bathing the baby, walking the dog, reading magazines, picking up hot chicks in bikinis, swinging through the jungle on vines while conversing with apes, going to work, shopping for appliances, going to a second cousin's bar mitzvah, changing lightbulbs, attending the theater, taking a pottery class, or maybe just schmoozing at a funeral. Every occasion is completely appropriate for wearable towels! That's why they come in an amazing variety of three different colors! (Red, white, and blue for all you patriots out there!) That's like one for every day of the week!

Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go out and buy a Wearable Towel for my brother's wedding.

Part 3: For the hideous and grotesque.

This infomercial makes me feel great about myself. Don't you think this one's a real confidence booster?




Are your feet too gruesome to be seen by human eyes? Do people run screaming at the sight of those lumps of deceased and decaying flesh? Are you afraid to wear SEXY SANDALS?!

That's okay! We've got a solution! Try the PedEgg and turn your scaly steppers into fabulous feet! Fabulous SEXY feet! Don't mind the fact that your foot shavings being dumped in the trash is a sight more gagworthy than brushing off toenail clippings from the edge of your bed. Your feel will look FANTASTIC!

.....
Honestly, this commercial just kind of grosses me out. Way to bring out the horrific nature of nasty feet, PedEgg advertisers.

Part 2: Break out the tissues.

This retro infomercial makes me want to be a better man. (Well, you know, if I had any desire to be a man. Which, for the record, I do not. I quite enjoy being a girl.)





This is the most tragic-turned-triumphant infomercial I have ever run across. In fact, it brings a little *sniff* tear to my eye when I think about that skinny little boy in his blue knit pajamas and huge-rimmed glasses gazing in the mirror dreaming about the day when he'd be a real man. It's-- *sniff* so touching! *sob* And that music! It's enough to make you break down into tears not unlike when you watch the Notebook.

"...But a lot of us lost it."

NO! No, little ginger boy, don't give up that dream! Don't you dare give up that dream! *sniffle*

But...wait. There's....HOPE?!

"YES! If you buy the SOLOFLEX, you too can have the body of a classic gymnast! Then you get to stretch with fit women in leotards. It's fitness heaven in this gray room of ours with only a soloflex and the sound of your ever-growing muscles. It is in this fitness heaven that you will become the man that you know always knew you were meant to be."

*Snifflesobsniffle*
Why are you staring at me? Is it the mascara running down my face or the Everest of Kleenex piled beside my computer?

Thoroughly confused...

As part 1 of today's official three-part blog post, I thought I'd kick off with this fun little number. Introducing the Strap Perfect.




See, it's an advertisement for a women's vanity product that hides those pesky bra straps. So of course this infomercial is focused toward one demographic....

But shouldn't that demographic be...oh, I dunno...female? Watch it again and maybe you'll see what I mean.

Wait for it...wait for it...THERE! Did you see that close-up on the woman's chest? Keep watching, because it will happen about nine more times. So the cleavage shots are supposed to entice women to buy this product? Hmm...

Now, I'm not trying to stereotype on any particular gender here, but I seem to get a mental image of a man sitting in a chair flipping through channels when all of a sudden CLEAVAGE meets his eyes and the words "nice firm lift" reach his ears. His significant other is in the next room. He turns back to the TV and thinks... "You know, I bet [insert name here] would like those. To, you know, hide her bra straps."

"Hey honey! Come look at this fantastic new product being advertised on TV."
"Why is there drool on your chin?"
"Oh, I was...napping...when suddenly this commercial came on and I thought you might be interested. I know how much you hate when your bra straps show."
"How thoughtful."
"I know."
"So it has nothing to do with the youthful lift to my cleavage?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just thought you could use the strap perfect for the new dress I'm buying you for our anniversary dinner next week."

Smooth. Real smooth.

In conclusion, I'm pretty sure this infomercial brings new meaning to the phrase "boob tube".

My profoundest apologies.

I have to apologize for my lack of posting over the past few days. I was on a temporary hiatus that I should have warned you about ahead of time.

Why was I gone? For the first time ever, I attended GenCon, one of the biggest gaming conventions in the world, which takes place right in my home state of Indiana and has for quite some time. In case you're wondering, no, I'm not a hard-core D&D, WoW, or Magic player. (However, I am slightly in awe of the people that can understand those games and spend so much time playing them. It's pretty impressive.) I really enjoyed going to the convention and trying out demo board games and card games and wandering around and seeing all of the people in costumes. I played an amped-up version of Uno with some pretty awesome home-made rules, and even earned myself a cool nickname (The Silent Assassin). I got interviewed for a podcast, which you can find at here. (I don't think they've posted it yet, so who knows if anyone will actually get to hear the 'silent assassin' speak. Haha.)

The great thing about GenCon is that everyone is equal. Nobody really has any problems with anyone. Everyone is just there to have a good time gaming. You don't really know many people, but there are 20,000 people there for you to meet and connect with and have an enormously fun weekend with. I personally enjoyed playing Are You A Werewolf? (werewolf is better than mafia, and don't let anyone tell you differently) until the wee hours of the morning. I had a four-day ribbon, so my best friend and I played every night from ten to around midnight, and last night we ended up playing a two-hour game that lasted until 2:15 am. It was intense, and probably the most fun thing I've done in a while. The people I played with were so great, and I hope I get to see them all again next year.

So the moral to this post is that gamer geeks are some of the coolest people in the world and GenCon is not just for the stereotypical gamers. There's really something there for everyone. (For example, I took a swing dancing class and a Celtic dance class, and they were really fun. They even had a crochet circle that I accidentally got signed up for. My friend went instead so I could attend aforementioned Celtic dance class.)

In conclusion, I'm sorry I haven't posted any new infomercials. I am too tired to post anything right now, but if I don't post today I promise three new posts for tomorrow. :)

Love, Sarah

Let's all get a grip.

Before we begin our regularly-scheduled programming, I'd like to thank yesterday's first commenter for helping to settle the debate between the Slanket and the Snuggie. Thank you, anonymous. :)

Now "Get a Grip" because it's time for today's infomercial!




Oh no! (As in, Oh no! My voice is already annoying and it's only two seconds in!)
Ouch! (As in, Ouch! I just got fired for being obnoxious.)

"Sounds like you need to get a grip! While you're doing that, I'm gonna take over your job because clearly you are not cut out for infomercial voiceovers!"

I'm not sure who exactly they are pandering to with this one. I mean, I was with them at the beginning (especially the Super Strong label with the shot of the bare torso of a muscular man--don't think I don't know what you advertisers are up to), but then they had to go and show that ladder. On the yacht.

Is that their way of telling us we can't afford their product unless we can afford a yacht?

BUT, yacht message aside, I feel like this one just doesn't work in my mind. My immature mind.
Why?

Go back to 0:48. "Anywhere you need temporary assistance."

.....Like, when I'm sitting on the toilet? What kind of assistance are we implying?

But wait, do you feel like someone you care about needs assistance also? Great! If you call RIGHT NOW and pay two times what this product is worth, we'll throw in a second one FREE! How generous are we?

That is a very convincing testimonial, though. I think I feel safe and confident knowing you feel safe and confident getting in and out of the shower.

Just make sure you remove the Get a Grip before having company over, or they make ask you why you've got a telephone in your bathtub.

Two infomercials for the price of one!

(Limited time only.) ;)

You may be wondering why I decided to post two infomercials today. Well, originally, THIS was the infomercial for the day:



Then, an epiphany hit me while I searched through the pages of Snuggie parodies on youtube in a desperate effort to find the actual TV advertisement. And you know what that epiphany is?

The Snuggie is cliche. It's not cool or funny anymore. All the youtubers have beaten the poor Snuggie to death, and anything I said would be superfluous and unnecessary (ha! ten points to whoever caught that little redundancy).

So, instead of the Snuggie, I give you another completely different product by a completely different company for FREE with your viewing of the above Snuggie infomercial.



The Slanket! It's a blanket with sleeves!

Wow, that's so brilliant. But...something's wrong. I feel like I'm having Deja Vu.

Why, it almost reminds me of...Nah, it couldn't be.
*lookng back to top of post*
GASP! THE SLANKET AND THE SNUGGIE ARE THE SAME THING!

This can only mean on thing. One of them is an idea-stealing nincompoop. But which is the victim?

I think it's time for Slanket Wars. (I'm not exactly sure what that entails. Nevertheless...) WHO WILL RISE VICTORIOUS IN THE BATTLE FOR THE SLEEVED BLANKETS?

Will it be the SNUGGIE, Master of the Universe of Cheesy Infomercials and Current Champion of Infomercial Parodies?

Or will it be the underdog, the SLANKET, with it's Average Joe, remote-wouldn't-work-through-the-blanket, still-living-with-mom, best-product-since-velcro-and-sliced-bread advertising?

YOU DECIDE!

Almost too good to be true, but only almost.

Today, I've selected the first of the kitchen utilities. Kitchen utilities are a class of their own, don't you think?

Introducing, the HANDY PEEL!



Wow, this infomercial's got all the best tricks of the trade!
1) The broken record approach: "Peel-peel-peeling potatoes!"
2) The phrase "quick and easy".
3) Alliteration! "A pile of perfectly peeled potatoes."

It's great! Wow, I'm really having a hard time finding anything wrong with this...
................
But wait, did my ears deceive me, or did the announcer just use the phrase "molded rubbing nubs?"

Take a moment to let that sink in. Molded rubbing nubs. I don't know what mental image you get, but my own involves some disembodied and gangrenous upper arms canoodling a pile of potatoes. *shiver* I won't be eating potatoes anytime this week.

"But you know what's even greater about the Handy Peel? You can just rub your potatoes and they instantly become mashed potatoes or french fries!"

I have to tell you, though, my favorite part of this commercial: "Get the handy peel and leave MOST of the veggie for the meal!"
Why do I love this so much? Well, all advertisers ever do these days is over-exaggerate. Every time I turn on the television to watch my favorite infomercials, I am faced with the harsh reality that these products may not live up to expectations.

But that's not the case with the Handy Peel commercial! No, they only promise you MOST of the vegetable. "No need to mess with exactly how much "most" is because by generalizing, we can't ever let you down (so long as you get over 50% of your vegetable)! Aren't we such honest and almost-hard-working advertisers?"

Way to go, semi-achievers. Don't overstep your capabilities.

Speak up, sonny!

What do you do when it's hard to hear, but you don't want to miss hearing a word?
Uh, get a hearing aid?
WRONG!



You get yourself a Loud 'n' Clear!
Why pay thousands of dollars for highly sensitive and technologically advanced hearing aids that are now so small you can barely see them? Now there's the Loud 'n' Clear! This over-sized bluetooth-resembling hearing enhancer will make everyday life beautiful again! That's right, I'm talking Bingo games, nature walks, Euchre games with the other retirement home residents -- all the things you could ever need!

But WAIT, you're not elderly and you're feeling INCREDIBLY jealous of your grannie because she's got an awesome Loud 'n' Clear? No problem! You can have one too! That's right, Loud 'n' Clear is fantastic for eavesdropping! Privacy is sooo three days ago. No one will ever notice the big sound amplifier attached to your ear.
(Please note: Loud 'n' Clear does not condone eavesdropping in any way. We are not responsible for any slaps in the face, ruined relationships, and crushed self-esteem caused by your usage of the Loud 'n' Clear.)

I rewrote a classic fairy tale just in honor of the Loud 'n' Clear:

Why, grannie, what big glasses you have!
The better to SEE you with, my dear.
And grannie, what a big hearing device you have!
The better to HEAR you with, my dear.
And grannie, what big...um, gums you have?
Hold that thought, my dear, I have to go hobble over to my dentures.
Right. You know, Grannie, here's that basket of goodies. I'm just gonna leave them on the table.

Little did "Grannie" know that Red Riding Hood was actually not an idiot, and therefore could see that her grandma was suddenly covered from head to foot with wolfy fur. As if wearing Grannie's Loud 'n' Clear could cover THAT up. So, she went and found a woodsmen, who was using HIS Loud 'n' Clear to detect the wildlife, and together they hunted down the grannie-devouring wolf.

Don't you love happy endings?

(By the way, does anyone else love how they use the same clips over and over again?)

Well, it DOES say "magic"...

Today's infomercial, in addition to the Tiddy Bear commercial, is this little beauty.



Not the worst infomercial ever, I'll give it that. In fact, I learned a few things...

1) Magic (n): something that can be plugged into a computer
2) Disappear (v): The act of circling an item on paper and putting a big red X through it, thereby making it slightly less legible

I don't know about you, but I was WAY off on what I thought those meant.

But you know, that's not a bad deal. $19.95 a year? (No, not 19.95 a month, 19.95 a year!) Well, yeah, I heard you the first time...
Wait, though, did you just say that email has eliminated postage stamps? So you're saying I just bought a hundred stamps to send out thank-you notes when I could have just sent a quicker and completely less personal and less thoughtful email? Shoot.

But nevermind all that, I'm just excited about the $19.95 a year! I can't believe that's all I have to pay.
What's that? Wait, $39.95 for the actual Magic Jack? But I thought you said $19.95. And how is the first year free if I'm paying $39.95? Because that sounds an awful lot like "not free" to me.

I guess I need to go back to basic math, huh?

Awkward...

Having trouble with car seatbelt traps cutting into your body? Do you find yourself digging around in the backseat for anything soft that could ease the pain of those pesky, constricting, life-saving contraptions they make you use?

Well, obviously the makers of this wonderful product did. How ELSE would they have come to the conclusion....



...that everyone wants a cuddly, spray-cheese-in-a-can-colored teddy bear to solve the problem?

I have nothing wrong with this product. In fact, I think it's great! Why? Let me list a few reasons.

1) First off, that name is ALMOST really awkward, but thankfully the voice-over man knows how to spell. Otherwise, people might mishear that it's called the TIDDY bear.

2) Wrapping a piece of soft fabric with velcro around your seatbelt is just lame. I mean, beady-eyed stuffed animals are so much more fashionable.

3) I often have uncomfortable pressure that needs alleviating...on my chest?

4) It's so cute and TOTALLY not creepy the way those little bears grope whatever area they happen to be secured to, not to mention burying their faces in your skin.

5) The Tiddy Bear stays where you want it. Right where you want it.

6) It's not all happy and smiley like those other stuffed animal seatbelt holders. The Tiddy Bear's serious expression let's me know that it is very serious about its job. Or angry and discontented, but that's just even better!

7) I often feel very lonely when I drive, but now I've got the Tiddy Bear to rest on my shoulder and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. It makes my other personalities feel so much more valid!

.....um, yeah.
Does anyone else feel incredibly uncomfortable watching this infomercial?

About InfoTastic!

Hello!

InfoTastic is a blog dedicated solely to the wonderful world of infomercials (and television commercials in general that may not be typically defined as infomercials, depending on the circumstance). How many times a day to you find yourself unwittingly glued to a television screen trying to sell you the next best thing? How often do you have to chain your hands to the sofa to keep from reaching for the phone and buying yet another appliance that you don't need?InfoTastic is here to help! That's right, folks! InfoTastic is here to mock, ridicule, and poke loving fun at those pesky little commercials that keep burning holes in our pockets. Please note that InfoTastic is not here to endorse products or to provide any commentary on the functional abilities of the products themselves. The InfoTastic blog is simply here to entertain.

What's that you say? There's nothing funny about infomercials? I beg to differ.

Allow me to start off with a personal favorite infomercial of mine. I call this "Just how inappropriate can an infomercial get?


It's the Gazelle!
"Hey, kids, watch this! The best way to get a girl to like you is to make her incredibly uncomfortable by violating her personal space and then insult her! Added bonus if you can force her to keep her body pressed against yours for longer than 20 seconds. But the surest way to win her affection? Make obnoxious high-pitched noises while talking. But-TOCKS!"
(Results not typical. Most self-respecting women will inflict bodily harm if treated thusly. Proceed with caution.)

Another fine specimen of why the Gazelle infomercials are InfoTastic:


Aaaand the caaaalves! Ohh la la!